Dealing with Rejection

[jcoppi29]

I think we all have been there -- a multitude of job applications, and for some reason, we didn't make the cut. Here's a video to think about this painful sensation of rejection in the job market setting.

What are your tips for those that still fear rejection?

[sammie83]

Yes, we certainly have been all their! Rejection is painful. Difficult to come to terms with. But with time my own fear or rejection faded. I guess it came with age and maturity. I became the reason why people reject are often an illusion of their own intolerance or lack of maturity and I came to terms with it.

[jcoppi29]

I agree. I recall a certain professor of mine that a nice measurement or gauge of maturity is how they deal with any form of rejection -- be it from work, their spouses, their loved ones or anyone in particular. It seems to be quite linked to the juvenile attitude that all should be perfect, and if things were or are assumed as such, rejection is such a painful jab to the ego.

[Gerhard]

Always to best take rejection as a challenge and not take it personally. Some people have this issue with rejection that they take it as a jab at them personally and put too much thought resulting to feelings of anxiety or inferiority. If it's not worth the trouble or blow to ones self then why bother at all? Life is always 2 steps forward and 1 step backward.

[mjmnl]

I've come across this article (https://www.inc.com/amy-morin/5-ways...rejection.html) and learning from rejection is one of the ways how mentally strong people deal with it like what you have mentioned. My favorite one from this list is the 4th item which is "They Refuse to Let Rejection Define Them". This is the perfect explanation for the quote "fall down seven times, stand up eight". Don't mind what other people say as it doesn't make you less of a person than who you really are. If you get rejected, move on, then try again.

[Bjun]

While watching this, I remembered my first job. It seemed I wasn't very scared of rejection when I was younger but then maybe it was because I was so naive but also so eager to learn.

Six month after getting hired, my supervisor told our team about a promotion (Corporate Quality Analyst). It was open to everyone who had at least 6 months tenure and I boldly asked for an application form and applied. There was a panel interview and I didn't exactly remember how it went but I think they just thought I didn't have that much experience for that position. I asked my supervisor for feedback and constantly asked her to train me for the role of a CQA. The following month, there was another posting for the same position. I applied for it again and again, got rejected. But this time, they remembered me during the panel interview. Their feedback was also better saying I had a better grasp of the roles of a CQA and invited me to apply again if they would have another posting. I still asked my supervisor to train me and even asked to join client calls with the other CQA's. The third time I applied, they were quite familiar with me. I got hired that time. I thought if I didn't persevere and gave up on the first rejection, like my other friends who applied for the first time, then I wouldn't have been promoted.

It's not only about not fearing rejection. You also need to learn why you were rejected and work on areas you need to improve on because being rejected and going back without changing or improving oneself and expecting a different result is just insane.

[Skye]

You certainly are tenacious. I would not have applied again and again. Or maybe I would if it was something that I really wanted.

I really appreciate your post, Bjun, Because it made me realize that I only persevere, in spite of rejections, if I REALLY wanted something. I am more of the person who will just accept rejection as it is, move on, and forget about it somehow.

[Bjun]

Skye Being "ignorant" of office politics really helped. That time, I thought they promotion people based on performance instead of how close you are to the managers and directors. I've had jobs where I didn't bother applying for a promotion because I know they would promote based on who they liked and not on who is more qualified. It just wasn't worth the rejection. hahahah

[Kamille]

Dealing with rejection is difficult and painful, but I think its all part of the process. I'd say give yourself some time off and have those bad feelings for a bit. Then, stand back up, pull yourself together and move on. Its important to learn not to dwell over a rejection. You can however turn your negative feelings into fuel to help you keep going. Remember to analyze the rejection and upgrade the skills you need to work on. Seek out training, invest in personal and professional growth and keep hustling for the next opportunity.

[kdy]

I think it is for this reason that I agree that participation in healthy competitions should be encouraged at a young age, where children can experience rejections/failures and small wins. In the process, they learn to celebrate their small wins and they learn that failure and rejection is part of growth and the learning process. It also fosters GRIT, and teach children to continuously work for their goal.

[jcoppi29]

I agree that healthy competition earlier on should be a thing considering it warms people up to the reality of failure, thus, better coping when it comes to competition.

However, there are also situations that kinda hit too close to home for me. Competition and exposure does breed character but some pedestals are so high, falling from them hurts even more. Like, the brighter the light, the darker the shadow -- the higher the rise, the harder the fall.

In my childhood, I used to be a top tier in the niches I'm engrossed in like sports, chess, public speaking, and at one point, I was considered a talented psych major by my professors, but life happens and sometimes, it derails one so bad.

It just becomes this enfeebling fear of breaking one's legs again after a bad fall from the top. Some failures generally lead to injuries that get mended over time while some remain as scars, or bases of comparison too hard to beat.

In such a situation, people stop striving not because they fear rejection but because they no longer want to go that high and drop hard again, especially if the last crash was close to fatal -- all the while being haunted by the peak achievement days and the expectations of the many others who witnessed that point in time.

[kdy]

You may be right @jcoppi 29 . That is why I always tell my children - It doesn't matter where they presently stand. How they will go forward is what matters. Also, while looking back may help in the learning process, it is more important that we are able to see things presently. So if they come falling down, I hope they remember that it's how they will go forward again that counts.

There are things that I am also still learning. Imagine... even at my age... I have yet lots to learn.

[jcoppi29]

@kdy

Yup. Learning, ideally, shouldn't stop. In fact, it is recommended to keep learning and growing throughout the human life span as it prevents the degradation of mental faculties -- intellectual, emotional aspects among others. I saw this podcast between Lex Fridman and and Manolis Kellis (evolutionary psych) tackling why some people stop growing -- they talked about the idea or illusion of one "being enough and totally adequate" is a central factor.

Once adults get to the point that they're so sure of themselves, they no longer see it relevant or necessary to learn other things, accelerating their personal mental decline. Even Neil deGrasse Tyson proposed finding something out new, like a wow fact, every day.

As for stoicism and mental health stuff, Jordan Peterson is a cool one, however politically controversial for most liberals these days. Stoicism also talks about the "one day/hour/month/week at a time" approach as well to contest the typical destination-based mindset that makes things feel like chores -- it's everything about the big goal and the destination, not the small steps that make a big step or the journey.

[Lou]

Rejection is a hard pill to swallow. At least when I was younger. But, as I age and mature, I always tell my children that they can't have everything that they want. Life is definitely not fair but, it is their perspective that will make a difference.

[kdy]

I agree. Rejection is a hard pill to swallow. And it is harder to deal with when rejection impacts the emotional and social wellbeing of an individual - to have no sense of belongingness especially.

[mjmnl]

I was so afraid of rejection when I was younger. From school, I was not able to push through with the publication of my thesis even though I was urged by a lot of people around me. And work, I let the chance slip through just because I'm afraid to be rejected by the employer. I agree with others that as you age, you just shrug it off. There are just too much missed opportunities when you let your fear of rejection drive you. With the different experiences that I have, it's always the things that I didn't do that I regret. Just make sure that you try to know why you have been rejected in the first place and learn from your mistakes.

[Kamille]

There are just too many regrets when you let fear take over your decision making. I can count a number of instances, like when I refused to submit an article on the school publication just because I was afraid it was not good enough. When I think about it now, I regret not having to know if it was. Some of us got over this fear; while some of us are still up in the corner doubting themselves because of fear. I learned that its better to be rejected and move on rather than shy away from opportunities. I found this article with helpful tips to refrain us from keeping the fear of rejection hold us back. https://www.heysigmund.com/getting-o...ke-you-own-it/

[Bart94]

I do agree with what was said here. When you're giving a lot of energy to apply, it's difficult on many levels...

1- you don't even get an answer, most of the time. You just have to wait and hope. After some weeks you can contact the recruiter again. Maybe to get ignored again.

2- You get involved, you adapt your resume and cover letter to many offers, with a very few results sometimes. Looking for a job is almost a job itself, and you don't know when you'll get your reward.

3- When you finally get the interview, it's stress to go there, being ready, deal with the recruiters' questions... Sometimes you have to do 2, or even 3 interview with different people of the company. Recruiter/human resources manager, then the manager, then the big boss... And after that there's the wait. And maybe nothing in the end.

4- When you don't get an answer, or when you get a negative answer, you usually don't even know why you didn't get chosen. Was the other candidates better in interview? Was it about diplomas? The way I dressed up? The way I talk?... You'd just want to know so you can do better next time. They won't tell you so if you get the occasion, don't hesitate to ask the reasons behind this choice.

5- After some times, and many rejects, you get very frustrated, you want to give up... What's the point of spending all this time for nothing? I think you should authorize yourself a break. No application for a week or two. And then you start again, with a brand new motivation and a rested mind. And maybe you can find ways to be more attractive for recruiters this time.

[jcoppi29]

Because behavior influences the genes we pass unto the next generation, and the genes they inherited affect the likelihood or proliferation of an attitude or behavior more, it would be safe to say that the reason rejection from peers is very painful is because of its ancestral link to exile, death, and doom. It may have been a case of a long generational line of an exaggerated or emphasized perception of how rejection is painful.

Alternatively, the solution to this mental module inside our brain and our genes is to alter it with conscious effort so that the behaviors we will pass to the next generation will sever the generational trauma cycle to give way to a new one. Rejection and failure should eventually cease to be a reflection of self-worth, isolation and exile, but instead be an opportunity for growth, evolution and progress.

The reason there's a lot of cognitive dissonance and Dunning Kruger effects these days is likely the attitude "that being wrong is bad and you should avoid it coz it makes you less of a person". We're all so averse to rejection and failure, we'd rather feel right than be right. If everyone is open to the idea that they can be wrong, perhaps, the world will be a more progressive place than some mix of people eager to feel right than face wrongs.

[JerryYan]

I may be afraid of rejection but it does not mean I got that from my mom or anyone else. Granted the reaction may have been the product of long-forgotten events it is still a 'reaction' that I should think I can overcome. Rational thinking is coming may even be here now because we see millenial behaviors that seem not to care at all whether they are rejected or not.

[Indelible_Mark]

Yep. That 'devil may care' attitude sounds like rejection is not even worth losing sleep over. Hakuna matata right?

While anyone can claim that there is the innate desire to conform and be one with the herd, it is 'standing out' that makes for leaders of any group. So much fear where there is nothing to be afraid of...

[Kamille]

We all have experienced rejection. Its part of life. Even Stephen King's first book was rejected by more than 30 publishers, and Meryl Streep was asked to quit acting. I found this article of stories of rejection from successful people. Bottom-line? They never gave up. They did not treat rejection like a failure, instead they got back out there and kept trying.
https://medium.com/@meteor2sky/rejec...d-c40d6c200c94

[mjmnl]

Such an inspiring article! Thank you for sharing. Ever since I heard this certain life lesson from my Data Models and Optimization professor, I decided to live based on it. As he mentioned: "In life, you'll always regret the things you never did than the things you did." We may fail and wished that we never did our action. But I think, there are bigger regrets with "what ifs". Do the things you've always wanted to try when the opportunity arises and as long as you can still do it.

[Lou]

Rejection is part of life. It is something you cannot shield yourself from. However, as the saying goes, you cannot control 90% of the things happening around you but you have 10% that you can. Perspective plays a vital role when dealing with rejection. Yes, you may not be able to control how people respond to you. However, you can control the way you respond to them. You may sulk, wallow, and feel sad after a painful rejection but, you cannot be sulking forever, right? One way or another, you still have the choice to get up and go through your day. You will have other opportunities. Just keep moving forward.

[Kamille]

That 'Keep moving forward' line reminds me of the animated movie Meet the Robinsons, which actually is a great movie about rejection and failure. Its how we battle our negative emotions from rejection that can shape our future. Every rejection is a lesson if we look at it with the right mindset. Remember what happened to the Bowler Hat Guy just because he can't accept what happened to him the day before his adoption interview. "We can learn a lot from failure and rejection, from success? not so much".

[Skye]

Not all rejections are actually your failures.

Sometimes, it is just not a match with the qualifications needed. Sometimes, it is your idea being rejected, not you.

And yes, sometimes, it is you being rejected. And you gotta deal with that, somehow. Each person deals with it differently. Unfortunately, some cannot get past the rejection.

[jcoppi29]

Yup. For the most part, painful negative experiences in general really leave a mark. Such instances release memory-enhancing functions/chemicals that deepen the process of remembering the pain. Evolutionarily speaking, this helped humans never forget big mistakes or traumatic experiences whose later management ultimately changed cultures and habits around particular experiences -- such as falling off a cliff, trying to punch a tiger, and all that.

We inherit such traumas and aversions for a reason because we're designed to perceive anything negative, threatening, internal or external much more than pleasurable stuff. Though downside is its excess, such as how trauma really reshapes the brain and brings about PTSD.